The flight from Boston to Los Angeles takes six hours, during which there is a kind of caricature of intimacy that develops, at least in Coach.
You might not even know the name of the guy sitting at your elbow, but still: You know his choice of reading material; what he drinks with his meal; the way his face, erased of its wakeful composure, slackens when he nods off after lunch. Every once in a while, your thighs touch, or you get a whiff of his cologne, and it’s all at once completely normal and yet weird: Here we are, two people randomly seated together. We begin the journey as strangers and then, hours later, we part knowing more details about each other than many of our casual acquaintances—even if we haven’t exchanged a single word. We’re not friends, exactly, but we’re something.
Six hours is a long time to maintain a conversation with a stranger. That is, if you are the type who attempts that sort of thing. I’ve been thinking about this lately, because in the flights I’ve taken this winter and spring, I’ve noticed that the world doesn’t come down to, as some psychologists will tell you, Introverts and Extroverts—or Montagues and Capulets, or Sharks and Jets, or Shirts and Skins, or tomayto and tomahto, or whatever.
Instead, the world comes down to exactly two types of people: Those who chit-chat on airplanes, and those who don’t.
In the latter group are those who settle into an airplane seat, buckle up, and immediately pop in earphones and crack open a book. In the former group are those who—as you make your way toward them down the aisle—lock eye contact, smile and nod a silent hello, eagerly stand (“Oh absolutely—here, let me move right out of your way!”) while you contort into your own seat, and then retake their own spot, turn back toward you, beaming, and inquire, “So! Business or pleasure?”
Initially, conversation is easy enough: “In fact I’m headed to Santa Barbara for business… I’m an editor and a writer…. No, you haven’t heard of anything I’ve written… I work online, on the Internet.”
Invariably, someone hears the word “internet” and assumes that means I am a technologist, a techie, a geek: the kind of person who knows how to develop software, write code, and so forth, when really all I can write are the same words they can, just (I like to think) in a different order. “Well actually I don’t really know that much about backing up hard drives,” I explain. “See, I use computers in my work, but my work isn’t in computers.”
Here I’ll reveal that I fall into the No Chat category. It’s not that I’m not friendly—because I am—but it’s just that after the initial hellos, and introductions, and explanations of what you are doing on this flight and where you are going, I run out of things to say. Or, possibly, I lack the ambition to find other things to talk about—to sift through the murkier parts of my brain in hopes of stumbling into something there worthy of conversation, or to struggle to recall the headlines at the airport news kiosk that morning.
Whatever the case, the ensuing silence feels acute, and it carries with it, for me, a heavy mantle of social failure, of being somehow neutered of any conversational skills. And at the same time, I worry about my seatmate: How do they interpret my silence? Do they think I find them boring? Inadequate? Do they think that I am withholding an overture to be friends? And if they interpret it that way, are they insulted by it?
At times, I’ve tried a different path: I’ve tried broadcasting a personality that’s overly friendly and outgoing. But soon enough I realize that that strategy ultimately presents a different problem that’s even more awkward to resolve: Then, the issue becomes identifying where, exactly, lie the limits of the relationship.
I’m not talking about knowing when it’s time to physically separate—of deplaning, of retrieving your luggage, of hailing a cab and letting it shuttle you to wherever you need to be. All that happens more or less on its own. I’m talking about the moment when you make the choice not to share your business card, or your email address, or whatever. The point you reach when you wordlessly recognize that you’ll never likely see each other again, and you both realize that you’re okay with that. You might be chatting along about all kind of things, sharing anecdotes, trading stories, connecting, relating, fully immersed and interested in the discussion. But as much as you might enjoy each other, nonetheless that moment comes when one or both of you seems to decide that you’re not enjoying it that much.
Does this sound weird? Maybe it is, because when I look around an airplane cabin at the end of a flight, I see people going through the motions of saying goodbye. “Well, good luck—it was nice talking to you!” I might hear someone say to their seatmate, and it makes me wonder, How can they do that? How can they not add, “Make sure to drop me a line and let me know how it goes with your biopsy, and how your aunt’s lesions heal, and then we’ll schedule that lunch!”
At times—once or twice, tops—I’ve met someone on an airplane I actually wouldn’t mind having lunch with, some point down the line. But since that’s the exception rather than the rule, you can see why, in the end, I find it easier to avoid the whole business of chatting with seatmates, and why I have adopted a No Chat policy in most other places, too: anywhere, in fact, that I’m likely to encounter strangers or, sometimes, acquaintances. It’s easier not to connect at all, I think, than to struggle with the fundamental questions of friendship every time you open your mouth.
I suppose that struggle is what gives me somewhat of an unforgiving approach on airplanes—what makes me easily riled and annoyed at those seated near me. Put me with a snoring traveler, an antsy baby, even a screeching toddler—a regular pint-sized Maria Callas, as my friend Peter would say—and I don’t mind a whit. But chit-chatters? No, thank you.
Here are 10 more things I hate about my neighbors (the airplane edition):
1. Eating smelly food. I have two words for this one: Fast food. Wait, one more: Cinnabon.
2. Perfume. Because the longer the flight, the worse it gets.
3. Excessive cell phone use just prior to takeoff. Especially when someone finds it necessary to announce the play-by-play of a runway delay. “OK, so the pilot just came on and it seems like there’s a problem with the wing jibbet, so we’ll be here a while, he says maybe 20 minutes or so. So what’s going on…? What are you guys doing now?”
4. Talking too loudly on a cell phone while we are still (or again) on the ground. If people three rows up turn to look at you, that’s a signal that we can hear you crystal-clear, but shouldn’t.
5. Playing an iPod loud enough for others to hear through the headphones. Especially playing an iPod *just* loud enough, so it gives off a persistent, tinny whine, like a mosquito loitering near your ear.
6. Not keeping cell phones on vibrate, particularly when it’s “The Mexican Hat Dance” rendered in ring tone.
7. Hovering over your seat, volleying conversation over the seat-back.
8. Asking the flight attendant to repeat meals options, when they’ve already been relayed once, and when they are also listed inside the in-flight magazine. Are you seriously weighing the options? They all suck.
9. Yes, I do mind if we keep the arm rest up.
10. Chatting. Oh wait… have we covered that yet…?
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Part of the problem with airplanes is the our seatmates are in our personal space, especially in today’s cramped airplanes, so there’s no escape. And while I understand the concept of it being freeing to share intimacy with total strangers, it’s not something that appeals to me.
Thus, I find myself falling into the non-chat category. Let’s be pleasant and acknowledge each other but let’s otherwise sit together, because we must, and non-chat.
Your #5 item makes my list too!
Let me add to your list: “People who travel with a serious illness and do not bring (a) tissue (b) cough drops (c) anything else that might protect me from whatever is flying out of your head.”
I have been hacked and horked on so many times it’s a wonder I’ve lived to tell about it.
Let me add to your list: “People who travel with a serious illness and do not bring (a) tissue (b) cough drops (c) anything else that might protect me from whatever is flying out of your head.”
I have been hacked and horked on so many times it’s a wonder I’ve lived to tell about it.
If you don’t want to chat tell them you sell life insurance. Shuts ‘em up every time
If you don’t want to chat tell them you sell life insurance. Shuts ‘em up every time
Great post as always Ann…. I completely agree with everything you hate about your airplane neighbors. If I could add one thing to that list it would be the person sitting behind you who insists on grabbing the back of your seat every time they stand up. Drives me crazy!
@bostonmike
Great post as always Ann…. I completely agree with everything you hate about your airplane neighbors. If I could add one thing to that list it would be the person sitting behind you who insists on grabbing the back of your seat every time they stand up. Drives me crazy!
@bostonmike
You could write for Seinfeld! Or Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Me, I am definitely not a talker. I love plane travel for one reason: I can read uninterrupted.
But there was one time I flew to Europe and talked for HOURS to a woman roughly 60 years my senior and loved every second of it. One of the best conversations I’ve ever head.
Jeff
You could write for Seinfeld! Or Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Me, I am definitely not a talker. I love plane travel for one reason: I can read uninterrupted.
But there was one time I flew to Europe and talked for HOURS to a woman roughly 60 years my senior and loved every second of it. One of the best conversations I’ve ever head.
Jeff
What a great post, Ann…I can totally relate! I’m silent nodder & smiler, myself.
The only time I talk to other passengers is when I ask them to put their seat back up and out of my lap because I’m “claustrophobic.”
hey…whatever works!
Love the photo, too..where ever did you find it?
Well, here’s to personal space…
Jo
What a great post, Ann…I can totally relate! I’m silent nodder & smiler, myself.
The only time I talk to other passengers is when I ask them to put their seat back up and out of my lap because I’m “claustrophobic.”
hey…whatever works!
Love the photo, too..where ever did you find it?
Well, here’s to personal space…
Jo
I remember when I was single – crying babies always drove me crazy.
I’m older & wiser now – we traveled all the way from the Africa to the US (two 8+ hour flights) with a 1-year-old. The first leg was one of the worst nights of my life. But I’m much more tolerant of parents with babies than I used to be!
I remember when I was single – crying babies always drove me crazy.
I’m older & wiser now – we traveled all the way from the Africa to the US (two 8+ hour flights) with a 1-year-old. The first leg was one of the worst nights of my life. But I’m much more tolerant of parents with babies than I used to be!
Ann, Another Great post.
I rarely go out of my 3 mile radius, but when I do, and have to fly, I take somewhat of a different approach.
Instead of just being grumpy with everyone that is crowding me, I usually pick out one person waiting at the gate and point him out to whomever I’m with.
(or who ever tries to strike up a conversation with me)
“I hate that guy” is the usual response, then give him the old Bdot Hairy eyeball. (Ann, you might call it the Handley Glare)
It makes for a much more pleasant flight for the rest of the mob. (which I also hate, but they don’t know it).
All In all it makes for a much better flight for me.
@ Mack: I think you found him…….”I hate that guy”
Ann, Another Great post.
I rarely go out of my 3 mile radius, but when I do, and have to fly, I take somewhat of a different approach.
Instead of just being grumpy with everyone that is crowding me, I usually pick out one person waiting at the gate and point him out to whomever I’m with.
(or who ever tries to strike up a conversation with me)
“I hate that guy” is the usual response, then give him the old Bdot Hairy eyeball. (Ann, you might call it the Handley Glare)
It makes for a much more pleasant flight for the rest of the mob. (which I also hate, but they don’t know it).
All In all it makes for a much better flight for me.
@ Mack: I think you found him…….”I hate that guy”
You put together a great list but I do believe there is one thing you left off, “The Dog Smuggler”. I had the wonderful opportunity of sitting next to one of these on my recent flight back from SXSW.
As she made her way into our aisle she kindled informed me that she had a dog but that he would not be a problem. I’m not sure if she meant the constant barking for our 2.5 hour flight or the fact that as our flight attendant was doing the safety announcement she became very upset when “The Dog Smuggler” waited for her to ask “is there a dog on here” 5 times before finally admitting to it.
I do love dogs just not yapping at me on a plane!
You put together a great list but I do believe there is one thing you left off, “The Dog Smuggler”. I had the wonderful opportunity of sitting next to one of these on my recent flight back from SXSW.
As she made her way into our aisle she kindled informed me that she had a dog but that he would not be a problem. I’m not sure if she meant the constant barking for our 2.5 hour flight or the fact that as our flight attendant was doing the safety announcement she became very upset when “The Dog Smuggler” waited for her to ask “is there a dog on here” 5 times before finally admitting to it.
I do love dogs just not yapping at me on a plane!
the smelly food kills me…
the smelly food kills me…
I am writing a book titled “Business Travel by Pros”. It is about how to travel easily, safely, and with as little stress as possible. It is not how to travel cheaply. If I see a knowledge traveler, I give him/her a business card describing what I am doing with my e-mail address. I ask for helpful hints. For example 1) Don’t put you suitcase on the floor in a hotel room, 2) Don’t put your clothes in a draw, it is dirty from others dirty laundry, 3) locate a gas station as you leave the car rental place at the airport.
If anyone wants to add to my book please send me ideas. If you want I will put your name and city next to the idea. Thanks, JIM
I am writing a book titled “Business Travel by Pros”. It is about how to travel easily, safely, and with as little stress as possible. It is not how to travel cheaply. If I see a knowledge traveler, I give him/her a business card describing what I am doing with my e-mail address. I ask for helpful hints. For example 1) Don’t put you suitcase on the floor in a hotel room, 2) Don’t put your clothes in a draw, it is dirty from others dirty laundry, 3) locate a gas station as you leave the car rental place at the airport.
If anyone wants to add to my book please send me ideas. If you want I will put your name and city next to the idea. Thanks, JIM
I am writing a book titled “Business Travel by Pros”. It is about how to travel easily, safely, and with as little stress as possible. It is not how to travel cheaply. If I see a knowledge traveler, I give him/her a business card describing what I am doing with my e-mail address. I ask for helpful hints. For example 1) Don’t put you suitcase on the floor in a hotel room, 2) Don’t put your clothes in a draw, it is dirty from others dirty laundry, 3) locate a gas station as you leave the car rental place at the airport.
If anyone wants to add to my book please send me ideas. If you want I will put your name and city next to the idea. Thanks, JIM
My e-mail address is travelbook@cinci.rr.com
I am writing a book titled “Business Travel by Pros”. It is about how to travel easily, safely, and with as little stress as possible. It is not how to travel cheaply. If I see a knowledge traveler, I give him/her a business card describing what I am doing with my e-mail address. I ask for helpful hints. For example 1) Don’t put you suitcase on the floor in a hotel room, 2) Don’t put your clothes in a draw, it is dirty from others dirty laundry, 3) locate a gas station as you leave the car rental place at the airport.
If anyone wants to add to my book please send me ideas. If you want I will put your name and city next to the idea. Thanks, JIM
My e-mail address is travelbook@cinci.rr.com
Twitter Comment
Testing chat catcher functionality
Twitter Comment
Testing chat catcher functionality
I’m the opposite, not that I seek out conversation, that’s just rude. I prefer to let my seat mate set the tone for our relationship. That may explain why I’m so comfortable with social media. As a marketer I need to be able to understand many different types of people, interests, industries, etc. Flights, or train rides are a perfect place for me to do research. I’ve learned all kinds of fascinating things during travel that have helped me be better at what I do. I even found I liked a co-worker, but not from a co-worker standpoint.
I’m the opposite, not that I seek out conversation, that’s just rude. I prefer to let my seat mate set the tone for our relationship. That may explain why I’m so comfortable with social media. As a marketer I need to be able to understand many different types of people, interests, industries, etc. Flights, or train rides are a perfect place for me to do research. I’ve learned all kinds of fascinating things during travel that have helped me be better at what I do. I even found I liked a co-worker, but not from a co-worker standpoint.
I loved your article Ann, especially the legs touching and the uncomfortable silence when the talking stops. I tend to chat a bit, but never initiate it. Just sort of speak when spoken to. One thing I do like about these plane chats is the randomness of the information you get. Once I sat next to the top guy in charge of passenger safety at the FCC. I pumped him for tips and found out all different ways I can save my life. That time I didn’t shut up the whole trip. Another time it turned out I was sitting next to a producer happened to be working with a close friend of a very good friend of mine. She told me that my friend (who was secretly married at the time) got a speeding ticket out in the Hamptons with another woman. She described the scene in court when the judge asked if he was married and all his playboy friends gasped when he said yes. I was one of the few people who knew about the marriage, but hadn’t heard this hot-off-the-press news.
I was getting NY scoop from a total stranger on a plane from LA!
I loved your article Ann, especially the legs touching and the uncomfortable silence when the talking stops. I tend to chat a bit, but never initiate it. Just sort of speak when spoken to. One thing I do like about these plane chats is the randomness of the information you get. Once I sat next to the top guy in charge of passenger safety at the FCC. I pumped him for tips and found out all different ways I can save my life. That time I didn’t shut up the whole trip. Another time it turned out I was sitting next to a producer happened to be working with a close friend of a very good friend of mine. She told me that my friend (who was secretly married at the time) got a speeding ticket out in the Hamptons with another woman. She described the scene in court when the judge asked if he was married and all his playboy friends gasped when he said yes. I was one of the few people who knew about the marriage, but hadn’t heard this hot-off-the-press news.
I was getting NY scoop from a total stranger on a plane from LA!
Ok … well I am a chatterer. Sort of. You see, anywhere I travel is going to be a long distance – probably over night. So I am going to need to be able to move around, ask questions etc of the person next to me. And the easiest way of doing this is to establish a quick relationship with the person next to you.
But I also gauge the level if interest of the other person. If we hit it off, then we can chat for hours. Otherwise it’s over to the book, the inflight movie or the trusty iPod.
Ok … well I am a chatterer. Sort of. You see, anywhere I travel is going to be a long distance – probably over night. So I am going to need to be able to move around, ask questions etc of the person next to me. And the easiest way of doing this is to establish a quick relationship with the person next to you.
But I also gauge the level if interest of the other person. If we hit it off, then we can chat for hours. Otherwise it’s over to the book, the inflight movie or the trusty iPod.
Nicely written and I totally agree!
Since I usually am flying with my 4 year old (who was recently an infant/toddler) I do make eye contact with passengers around us, and let them know – my child is my responsibility and if a seat is kicked please let me know if I miss it. But then with my son seated at the window, my back is usually the outer “wall” of our private cube on the plane.
I’ve noticed most “talkers” are not frequent fliers and talk out of excitement, fear, or uncertainty.
Noise canceling headphones are fabulous -for passengers of all ages – for many reasons!
And one more food to add? Tuna.
Mutual respect on planes goes a long way….
Nicely written and I totally agree!
Since I usually am flying with my 4 year old (who was recently an infant/toddler) I do make eye contact with passengers around us, and let them know – my child is my responsibility and if a seat is kicked please let me know if I miss it. But then with my son seated at the window, my back is usually the outer “wall” of our private cube on the plane.
I’ve noticed most “talkers” are not frequent fliers and talk out of excitement, fear, or uncertainty.
Noise canceling headphones are fabulous -for passengers of all ages – for many reasons!
And one more food to add? Tuna.
Mutual respect on planes goes a long way….
Great article! I’m not the chatting type but I met one of my dearest friends on a flight from Sydney to Kuala Lumpur. She sat next to me and we exchanged the usual pleasantries. From there, the conversation just took off and we talked almost non-stop on that 11 hour flight (via Melbourne). We wrote to each other very frequently thereafter and we’ve visited each other several times. I visited her in Australia last year and we had a fantastic time together.
Think it’ll be hard to have a repeat experience nowadays (though…you never know) as I usually have my noise-cancelling headphones on! Great invention, by the way.
Great article! I’m not the chatting type but I met one of my dearest friends on a flight from Sydney to Kuala Lumpur. She sat next to me and we exchanged the usual pleasantries. From there, the conversation just took off and we talked almost non-stop on that 11 hour flight (via Melbourne). We wrote to each other very frequently thereafter and we’ve visited each other several times. I visited her in Australia last year and we had a fantastic time together.
Think it’ll be hard to have a repeat experience nowadays (though…you never know) as I usually have my noise-cancelling headphones on! Great invention, by the way.
Oh my! #6 is most definitely my mother, who as we speak has The Mexican Hat Dance on her phone. Yes mom, you’re so very hip
I agree – I would rather forgo a potential acquaintance than risk awkward conversation. But maybe that’s the issue? Could we all put ourselves out there “in real life” more, invest a bit more in people we meet face to face? Probably.
Oh my! #6 is most definitely my mother, who as we speak has The Mexican Hat Dance on her phone. Yes mom, you’re so very hip
I agree – I would rather forgo a potential acquaintance than risk awkward conversation. But maybe that’s the issue? Could we all put ourselves out there “in real life” more, invest a bit more in people we meet face to face? Probably.
I’m very unusual, in that I prefer chatting with strangers! Since strangers don’t know me, I don’t have to worry about hurting my reputation or my relationships!
In high school, I discovered I had a natural talent for public speaking–I won several awards, was selected as an “Outstanding Senior” in speech, and was even elected (by juniors and seniors) to speak at Graduation! There was no public-speaking program in college, but I discovered Toastmasters International–and have won one award after another in it!
And I prefer speaking to a group of strangers (no matter how large), over conversing with a known acquaintance, friend, or relative! Even the women to whom I’m most attracted are strangers!
I’m very unusual, in that I prefer chatting with strangers! Since strangers don’t know me, I don’t have to worry about hurting my reputation or my relationships!
In high school, I discovered I had a natural talent for public speaking–I won several awards, was selected as an “Outstanding Senior” in speech, and was even elected (by juniors and seniors) to speak at Graduation! There was no public-speaking program in college, but I discovered Toastmasters International–and have won one award after another in it!
And I prefer speaking to a group of strangers (no matter how large), over conversing with a known acquaintance, friend, or relative! Even the women to whom I’m most attracted are strangers!
You reached inside my head and wrote down all of the things I think when I’m flying. So funny and too true!
I’ve had both good and uncomfortable flight-mate experiences, but the uncomfortable ones are the funniest.
Like the case of sitting next to the silver-haired Oregon hippie who spent 15 minutes fiddling in his bag on my seat while I waited to sit down, and then told me the pathetically boring story of his slacker life. Fortunately, I only was doomed to spend half of a 6-hour flight listening because then he turned to the man on his left who had been (presumably) muttering prayers using roughly hewn prayer beads and what looked like playing cards depicting scenes of human torture while sweating profusely and giving us the shifty eye. They somehow connected on slacker lifestyles and I could retreat to my book while the guy across the aisle from me gave me a sympathetic eyeroll and convulsed in fits of silent laughter.
I also sat next to enthusiastic young consultant from McKinsey who insisted on telling me every detail of his current consulting gig, despite the fact that 5 minutes into his monologue I realized — and told him — that he was consulting for a direct competitor of mine and really should not tell me any more. Didn’t slow him down a bit.
But perhaps the most heart-sinking line to hear from the smartly dressed woman who has just plopped down next to you as you are settling in for a 3 hour flight is, “So, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?”
People are fascinating.
You reached inside my head and wrote down all of the things I think when I’m flying. So funny and too true!
I’ve had both good and uncomfortable flight-mate experiences, but the uncomfortable ones are the funniest.
Like the case of sitting next to the silver-haired Oregon hippie who spent 15 minutes fiddling in his bag on my seat while I waited to sit down, and then told me the pathetically boring story of his slacker life. Fortunately, I only was doomed to spend half of a 6-hour flight listening because then he turned to the man on his left who had been (presumably) muttering prayers using roughly hewn prayer beads and what looked like playing cards depicting scenes of human torture while sweating profusely and giving us the shifty eye. They somehow connected on slacker lifestyles and I could retreat to my book while the guy across the aisle from me gave me a sympathetic eyeroll and convulsed in fits of silent laughter.
I also sat next to enthusiastic young consultant from McKinsey who insisted on telling me every detail of his current consulting gig, despite the fact that 5 minutes into his monologue I realized — and told him — that he was consulting for a direct competitor of mine and really should not tell me any more. Didn’t slow him down a bit.
But perhaps the most heart-sinking line to hear from the smartly dressed woman who has just plopped down next to you as you are settling in for a 3 hour flight is, “So, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?”
People are fascinating.
The stranger and I had a tender conversation in which he did most of the talking . gucciwell.com He was awestruck by what had just happened to him, and I was able to witness his amazement and gratitude. Years later, I think of our connection as a gift.
I feel the same way anne, I mean from a silent type of guy's point of view. Id rather listen to my ipod or the like. Well it really depends on the person and his/her aura. =)
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