Greetings all staff and stakeholders of Coddled Teenage Boy Enterprises:
It has come to my attention that there has been some confusion about your roles and responsibilities within the organization, which has led to infighting, yelling, and name-calling—this happened just yesterday, prior to 7 AM. Such behavior is both unprofessional and upsetting, and it is my job as the CEO and central “brand” of this enterprise to address this situation before it begins to negatively affect morale as well as my performance in the marketplace, also known as “school and social life.”
First, a word about the incident that prompted this memo and took place at headquarters yesterday. Many of you, I know, heard it—or heard of it—and I need to clarify actual events to dispel any notion that the CEO of Coddled Teenage Boy Enterprises was at fault. Because, as you know, it’s never my fault.
The incident took place in the early morning. It concerned the crazy idea that two individuals traveling to the same school campus should to be liveried in the same vehicle, and therefore ought to be ready to depart at approximately the same time, even if one of us requires more careful and meticulous currying of my excellent hair and a careful consideration of which band T-shirt looks most awesome with my jeans. There was yelling about did I know the price of a gallon of gas, and the driver’s own needs (don’t get what that means), and something was said in a rather overwrought tone about how It’s all about you, isn’t it?
All of this made the second and final shuttling to school tense and unpleasant, and left me grounded this weekend, which is a wholly unacceptable result of what I see as a giant misunderstanding. The bottom line is that the sister involved in this situation is… well, clearly a Sister Subsidiary. Known officially as The Easy Child Enterprise, the Sister Subsidiary should be staffed and run as a separate operation, independent of the needs of Coddled Teenage Boy LLC. Especially since a tenet of that aforementioned subsidiary enterprise is Hates to Be Late, whereas at Coddled we take a much more interpretive view of the clock.
Now that we have that out of the way, I’d like to get back to the business of this memo, which is to redefine and, in some cases, reassign the various roles each of you play in keeping this enterprise running. As you know, we have grown in leaps and bounds over the past decade, growing literally from a Mom-and-Pop entity to a conglomerate with endless, gaping needs and demands. While it once took only one or two people to feed, diaper and bathe me, it now requires an entire staff to manage the complex operation that is my life.
You might think that my ability to actually use my limbs purposefully and my mastery of other basic life-skills (like the ability to read signs, or jot down a note, or climb bus stairs, or use the toilet) might allow me to exploit my own abilities and increase self-reliance. But, sadly, the answer is no. In ways that even I don’t really understand, it seems that the operation is more complicated than ever, and it requires additional resources and more staff than ever to maintain.
Last year in Math, we studied Inverse Functions, in which the sign f “acts on” a number and transforms it. Essentially, you can define the inverse of f as the function that “undoes” what f did. My understanding is some enterprises grow precisely like that: As new products are brought to market, or new services introduced, others are mysteriously negated. In other words, it’s not my fault that company operations have gotten multifarious and increasingly unwieldy. You can argue the application of this point, but not with me. Take it up with a mathematician.
So without further ado, herewith the new Job Titles as reflected in this most current Reorg of Coddled Teenage Boy Enterprises:
Manager of Livery Services—Dad (AM Manager), Mom (PM Manager)
Director of English Essays, Proofing and Editing Division—Mom
Laundry Services—Mom, Dad, Sister-When-I-Have-Something-to-Bribe-Her-With
Bag Lunch Boss—Mom, Dad
Homework Helpers—Mom, Dad, the Friends-Who-Actually-Take-Notes-in-Class Squad
Personal Belonging Tracker—Mom, Dad, various friends (Gordon, Zach, Janey, Chris, etc.) in various classes who run after me when I leave my various shit behind
Shower Timer—Mom, Dad, Sister-When-She-Needs-to-Use-the-Bathroom
Forms and Paperwork, Small Details Division—Mom
Dispenser of Petty Cash—Whichever parent drives us to the movies
Emotional Support Team—Pretty much everyone, all the time (note on-call hours)
The two remaining jobs still available at this time are:
Minister of Wiping My Ass
Director of I’d-Forget-My-Head-If-It-Wasn’t-Attached
Referrals welcome.
It is my dearest hope that this will help you accept and relish the critical job you have as part of Coddled Teenage Boy Enterprises, and see yourself for what you are: Part of my team, because we are all in this together. As they say, there’s no “I” in “team.” And there’s no “Boy” in there, either. God knows I can’t do this on my own.
Regards,
Coddled Teenage Boy
P.S.: Has anyone seen my soccer shorts?
Find more like this: Children, Humor, Parenting, Teenagers , Business, kids, mothers, parentings, sons, Teenagers
Interesting, that just a week ago I’ve writen smth on the subject too “How to deal with a teenager.” http://quantrol.us/blog/?p=50 .
But when I began to compare, I stopped very quickly.
No comparison at all.
Yours is shining with ingenious sparkles.
Please write more often.
Hilarious! I am no where near this stage of business yet. We are still in the acquisition phase.
Hilarious! I am no where near this stage of business yet. We are still in the acquisition phase.
Thanks, Ann, for reminding me why after 10 years of marriage I still don’t have children. Dogs are so much easier. : )
Thanks, Ann, for reminding me why after 10 years of marriage I still don’t have children. Dogs are so much easier. : )
Hmmmm … maybe the newly appointed in-house directors should consider setting up an off-shore service company with English-as-a-second-language staff and then out-source most of their functions to THAT subsidiary!
Let’s see what the CEO does when he calls for customer support then.
Hmmmm … maybe the newly appointed in-house directors should consider setting up an off-shore service company with English-as-a-second-language staff and then out-source most of their functions to THAT subsidiary!
Let’s see what the CEO does when he calls for customer support then.
Ann,
Is the “Minister of Wiping My Ass” position still open? Depending on the compensation package,
I would like to toss my bat into the ring.
My resume is extensive; I have several years working with animals, and am currently employed by a major international corporation as an EOBB (equal opportunity ball-buster).
Do you have a dental plan?
Bdot
Ann,
Is the “Minister of Wiping My Ass” position still open? Depending on the compensation package,
I would like to toss my bat into the ring.
My resume is extensive; I have several years working with animals, and am currently employed by a major international corporation as an EOBB (equal opportunity ball-buster).
Do you have a dental plan?
Bdot
I hope you are planning to save this and show it to potential merger partners when the enterprise is more mature and looking to set up a permanent partnership agreement. (It sure beats baby pictures!)
I hope you are planning to save this and show it to potential merger partners when the enterprise is more mature and looking to set up a permanent partnership agreement. (It sure beats baby pictures!)
Note to @sonnygill @amyblack @christian @beth and all of those still functioning as Sole Proprietors or Partners: There is still time for you to save yourselves. Walk away from the light…
And I really like your suggestion here @alan… payback will indeed be sweet.
Note to @sonnygill @amyblack @christian @beth and all of those still functioning as Sole Proprietors or Partners: There is still time for you to save yourselves. Walk away from the light…
And I really like your suggestion here @alan… payback will indeed be sweet.
Ann, what delight! And such realism! One of my clients answered such behavior with this – he sat his twins down at the age of 12 and said, “You’re of an age now where you can start making your own decisions. Therefore, if you feel you can find better parents than the ones you’ve got, by all means, do so. Let us know who they are and we will begin adoption proceedings immediately. Otherwise, the one’s you have are operating a Dictatorship, by which you will abide.”
Or something similar…at any rate – I like the dictatorship approach. My kids were allowed to make their unhappiness known, but…if it was whining or an unreasonable request, the answer was, “Conversation over.” Which meant, Mom said shut up.
Ann, what delight! And such realism! One of my clients answered such behavior with this – he sat his twins down at the age of 12 and said, “You’re of an age now where you can start making your own decisions. Therefore, if you feel you can find better parents than the ones you’ve got, by all means, do so. Let us know who they are and we will begin adoption proceedings immediately. Otherwise, the one’s you have are operating a Dictatorship, by which you will abide.”
Or something similar…at any rate – I like the dictatorship approach. My kids were allowed to make their unhappiness known, but…if it was whining or an unreasonable request, the answer was, “Conversation over.” Which meant, Mom said shut up.
@alan As is the trend with prospective employers and merger partners, both parties now must do their due diligence via the web.
@alan As is the trend with prospective employers and merger partners, both parties now must do their due diligence via the web.
Just came over from Chris Brogan’s tweet about this post. (And I completely agree with him.) Awesome post. Disheartening though, as my one child (thus far) is only 3.5 yrs old. It seems this whole “high maintenance” thing just never ends, no? Shit.
Just came over from Chris Brogan’s tweet about this post. (And I completely agree with him.) Awesome post. Disheartening though, as my one child (thus far) is only 3.5 yrs old. It seems this whole “high maintenance” thing just never ends, no? Shit.
Ann,
So bloody accurate, I almost fell off my chair laughing.
Ann,
So bloody accurate, I almost fell off my chair laughing.
Note from Aremenian Outpost of Coddled (which is actually distributed via Moscow so presents packaging in three languages as “Coddledsky! Nyet Independentsky!;” “Cuttulled, Inc.” (bad Engliish phonetics); and something in a language that looks like spaghetti-on-wall)…
To accommodate for Armenian cultural oddities, Coddled will also assign the following duties for its Hyustan Operations:
Manager of Road Crossing – We have yet to find the person brave enough for this position. Therefore, since this task is too dangerous for exotic flowers of American youth, all Coddled staff will remain on lefthand side of street for the duration.
Director of iPod Downloading – Please note that since wireless Internet is a precious $300 per month and all downloads and uploads are separately charged, this operation must be performed at night, away from the watchful eye of parents. This is a position requiring sensitivity to the “right” kind of music; anyone caught downloading Jonas Bros. music (note to sister) will be instantly dismissed.
Senior Coordinator of Throwing Laundry on Floor – This position is very similar to the one in the U.S.; however, it tends to piss mother off even more because the washing machine is the size of a blender and the only dryer available is Mr. Golden Sun.
Armenian Outpost of Coddled is scheduled to cease operations in late December, when we are moving our plant back to Long Beach, CA and will resume regular-American-whining capabilities.
Note from Aremenian Outpost of Coddled (which is actually distributed via Moscow so presents packaging in three languages as “Coddledsky! Nyet Independentsky!;” “Cuttulled, Inc.” (bad Engliish phonetics); and something in a language that looks like spaghetti-on-wall)…
To accommodate for Armenian cultural oddities, Coddled will also assign the following duties for its Hyustan Operations:
Manager of Road Crossing – We have yet to find the person brave enough for this position. Therefore, since this task is too dangerous for exotic flowers of American youth, all Coddled staff will remain on lefthand side of street for the duration.
Director of iPod Downloading – Please note that since wireless Internet is a precious $300 per month and all downloads and uploads are separately charged, this operation must be performed at night, away from the watchful eye of parents. This is a position requiring sensitivity to the “right” kind of music; anyone caught downloading Jonas Bros. music (note to sister) will be instantly dismissed.
Senior Coordinator of Throwing Laundry on Floor – This position is very similar to the one in the U.S.; however, it tends to piss mother off even more because the washing machine is the size of a blender and the only dryer available is Mr. Golden Sun.
Armenian Outpost of Coddled is scheduled to cease operations in late December, when we are moving our plant back to Long Beach, CA and will resume regular-American-whining capabilities.
Ann, I too am part owner in a Coddled Son LLC/Easy Sister Enterprises joint venture. Both company CEOs ride in same Parent Company car. If Coddled Son is not ready, natural consequences follow — walk the one mile to offsite center or if this causes such a hardship that Coddled Son misses all-day conference, then all assets of Coddled Son are put into Parent Company conservatership and reallocated when Coddled Son personal stock rises. This is an effective strategy for Brand Growth of Coddled Boy. He now wakes up at 6:30, showers and cocoons in still warm blanket on couch until company car departs. Sister Subsidiary reminds to take lunch money and removal of new tags still hanging on Coddled clothing. He is also CEO of Mommy-rubs-my-tummy-to-make-it-all-better company, but this is off-shore with hidden assets. Ann, this made me laugh so hard, love the T-shirt. Coddled needs one that says, “It was an accident”
Ann, I too am part owner in a Coddled Son LLC/Easy Sister Enterprises joint venture. Both company CEOs ride in same Parent Company car. If Coddled Son is not ready, natural consequences follow — walk the one mile to offsite center or if this causes such a hardship that Coddled Son misses all-day conference, then all assets of Coddled Son are put into Parent Company conservatership and reallocated when Coddled Son personal stock rises. This is an effective strategy for Brand Growth of Coddled Boy. He now wakes up at 6:30, showers and cocoons in still warm blanket on couch until company car departs. Sister Subsidiary reminds to take lunch money and removal of new tags still hanging on Coddled clothing. He is also CEO of Mommy-rubs-my-tummy-to-make-it-all-better company, but this is off-shore with hidden assets. Ann, this made me laugh so hard, love the T-shirt. Coddled needs one that says, “It was an accident”
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Amazing article Ann. I’m laughing so hard…
Amazing article Ann. I’m laughing so hard…
I recognize and see early signs of this insurrection beginning coddled sons/easy sisters startup. As the VC, it may impact the second round funding criteria.
Hilarious.
Gary
I recognize and see early signs of this insurrection beginning coddled sons/easy sisters startup. As the VC, it may impact the second round funding criteria.
Hilarious.
Gary
*CRYING. LAUGHING SO HARD* Ann this is so right on that it’s scary. My favorite part of the post was the “PS”. I have a 14 year old girl. Must tweet this, stumble it as it’s a must read. Thanks for making me laugh today as I needed it:)
*CRYING. LAUGHING SO HARD* Ann this is so right on that it’s scary. My favorite part of the post was the “PS”. I have a 14 year old girl. Must tweet this, stumble it as it’s a must read. Thanks for making me laugh today as I needed it:)
Oh, my gosh! Great post. You hit the nail on the head with this one!
Oh, my gosh! Great post. You hit the nail on the head with this one!
Chapter 11 is looking better all the time
There is so much to look forward to!
Chapter 11 is looking better all the time
There is so much to look forward to!
I have two LLC’s in my home. One female LLC (14 years in the making) and one male LLC (16 years in the making). I must say the male LLC runs much more smoothly. The female LLC is a much more volatile.
GREAT Post!
I have two LLC’s in my home. One female LLC (14 years in the making) and one male LLC (16 years in the making). I must say the male LLC runs much more smoothly. The female LLC is a much more volatile.
GREAT Post!
Ann, I have not had that hardy of a laugh over a blog post in a long time. A masterpiece! Being the mom of two teen boy LLCs myself, I personally can attest to the truth of each and every syllable.
Ann, I have not had that hardy of a laugh over a blog post in a long time. A masterpiece! Being the mom of two teen boy LLCs myself, I personally can attest to the truth of each and every syllable.
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This is my first visit to your blog…and so not my last!
I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. My own Entitled Teen Boy LLC must be having meetings with your CEO! They sound like they are being run on the same business and marketing plan!
Best wishes,
Michelle
This is my first visit to your blog…and so not my last!
I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. My own Entitled Teen Boy LLC must be having meetings with your CEO! They sound like they are being run on the same business and marketing plan!
Best wishes,
Michelle
Too funny! You are a scream, Ann!
Too funny! You are a scream, Ann!
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Just tell me you will be there to buy me martinis and console me when I feel like committing murder!