When you are prone to measuring yourself against others, like I am, and when you both work and live out chunks of your life online, as I do, the Internet can be a bitch.
It’s easy to get caught up in measuring your impact online, and to suspect that your own self-worth is tied to it.
It’s easy, for example, to measure your popularity and self-esteem in terms of the number of “friends” you have on Facebook, the number of followers on Twitter, the extent of your professional contacts on LinkedIn, your cache of Feedburner subscribers, your Web site’s Google PageRank, tags on Flickr, comments, links, visits, clicks, referrals, Karma on Plurk, and—worst of all!—your Technorati degree of “Authority,” which implies a sort of collected clout and power that, for most of us, doesn’t really exist outside of the unblinking screen that is our dashboard to the world.
Those of you who don’t spend vast buckets of time online might be thinking that this is a peculiar phenomenon of people who do. But comparing yourself with others is no more a consequence of the Digital Age than is email to blame for unsolicited junk mail or the Internet is the cause of porn. It’s human nature.
There are always those who are smarter, better-looking, taller, better networked, cooler, more enlightened, and have better backhands, tighter asses, cuter kids, and newer and shinier objects than you do.
Or, as my wise, street-smart, boarding-school-educated and self-assured college friend Lesley used to tell me when we were all of 17—as she sucked deeply on her Marlboro, blowing the smoke dismissively in the direction of a gaggle of girls more popular than we were — “Well, there’s always someone richer, skinnier, and with bigger boobs.”
The metrics might change, but the comparisons remain. It’s just that the Internet’s immediacy and accountability makes some of those people irritatingly visible and, at the same time, makes it clear by how much, precisely, they are besting you. It’s the 2008 equivalent of your neighbor a generation ago parking his spanking new Mustang next to your Dodge Dart.
As my friend Matt recently griped to me a few days after an event we’d both attended, “There were no photos of me on Flickr.” And so, he started to wonder—maybe because he studied German philosophy — “was I really there?” In this age of digital stills and Flip video cameras, when an event or gathering is digitally captured, uploaded, tagged, grouped, viewed, commented on, and ranked, it’s a little disconcerting to realize that you’ve somehow been overlooked.
But here’s the thing: As much as the Internet feeds insecurity and narcissism (perhaps none more so than my own), by its nature it also encourages connectivity. As much as it opens us up to the whole wide world, it also makes that world smaller and cozier, linking together those who are the worst kind of insecure (or narcissistic or arrogant or humble or black or white…) and in doing so can make all of us behind our computer screens feel, oddly, like we aren’t alone.
I love the following video by the poet Taylor Mali (who, incidentally, wrote one of my favorite poems, “Falling in Love Is Like Owning a Dog.”) Here’s how he responds to the simple question, “Where is your favorite place to write?” This captures—by taking it to the extreme of absurdity—how one might imagine the life of a smarter, better-looking, taller, cooler, cuter… narcissist:
[youtube]O_POEIhEXRI[/youtube]
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I’m so glad Chris tweeted this post. Being fairly new to the blogging world I found myself frequently doing these comparisons and wondering what in the world I could do to become a big time blogger. It gets frustrating when you see ~10 hits a day and you know that it’s not even a speck of dust on the aft of the aircraft carrier of the blogosphere (ugh…did I actually use a buzzword?).
It hit me the other day, though. The problem is it’s easier said than done. Don’t worry about it. I like to look and see my daily hits and what kind of stuff is bringing people in so I can do more of that…but I just don’t care if I get 5 hits or 5000 hits in a day. Which is good…because I’m lucky to get 30. ^_^
Ann, this is a great post and it’s going in my list of “must reads” for anyone who spends any time on the tubes of the intarweebs.
Thanks for saying something I needed to hear today.
(And for the link to Mr Mali’s poem! I feel compelled to mention in connection Robert Bly’s poem, “The Resemblance Between Your Life and a Dog”: http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/index.php?date=2004/02/16 )
Thanks for saying something I needed to hear today.
(And for the link to Mr Mali’s poem! I feel compelled to mention in connection Robert Bly’s poem, “The Resemblance Between Your Life and a Dog”: http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/index.php?date=2004/02/16 )
Ann, this is truly great. Thanks. So many humans have this as a natural reaction. When I smell mine creeping up on me I whack it down as hard as I can with a big old stick. Written on the side of that stick? “Yeah, but NOBODY is more like me than I am.”
Ultimately that is all we have to fall back on. Nobody can outdo that or take it away.
Ann, this is truly great. Thanks. So many humans have this as a natural reaction. When I smell mine creeping up on me I whack it down as hard as I can with a big old stick. Written on the side of that stick? “Yeah, but NOBODY is more like me than I am.”
Ultimately that is all we have to fall back on. Nobody can outdo that or take it away.
That’s a wonderful poem, Taper. Thanks for posting the link. Love this:
“I never intended to have this life, believe me—
It just happened. You know how dogs turn up
At a farm, and they wag but can’t explain. “
That’s a wonderful poem, Taper. Thanks for posting the link. Love this:
“I never intended to have this life, believe me—
It just happened. You know how dogs turn up
At a farm, and they wag but can’t explain. “
Laura – I kind of like that imagery! Like a self-esteem “Whack-a-mole”!
Laura – I kind of like that imagery! Like a self-esteem “Whack-a-mole”!
Luckily I don’t find life to be a competition.
Yet I can understand your feelings. What I don’t like about the stuff you’re exposing is that it turns the complete society into wrong directions.
People are just competing too much who will be the next “whatever guru”.
And almost everything else is actualy outside this little village, called “internet societies”.
Luckily I don’t find life to be a competition.
Yet I can understand your feelings. What I don’t like about the stuff you’re exposing is that it turns the complete society into wrong directions.
People are just competing too much who will be the next “whatever guru”.
And almost everything else is actualy outside this little village, called “internet societies”.
Nice, Ann,
Poignant post & thoughtful replies. I love it when people get real. Allow me to share a couple of my favorite quotes:
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr. Suess
And one more from little ol’ me:
“It’s not what you do that determines who you are, it’s who you are that determines what you do.” Dave Webb
Bottom line: be yourself. Isn’t that what the transparency and authenticity of the new media age is all about?
Nice, Ann,
Poignant post & thoughtful replies. I love it when people get real. Allow me to share a couple of my favorite quotes:
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr. Suess
And one more from little ol’ me:
“It’s not what you do that determines who you are, it’s who you are that determines what you do.” Dave Webb
Bottom line: be yourself. Isn’t that what the transparency and authenticity of the new media age is all about?
Ann,
It always amazes me when people that I think are well known think the same insecure things I do. When you DMed me to ask me to go to the BOS tweet up at the “Crab” and again when you stopped me at Gary V, I thought, holy s**t, does Ann actually know who I am?
And I worry every time I send a tweet that noone will answer me!!
Its actually kind of nice to hear you and Chris have these same thoughts – it makes you realize that we all do. But I always think that the internet has helped people with these issues feel more connected to people than they ever could otherwise, and gives everyone kind of second chance for a little popularity that they might not have had before.
And, if it helps, I think you are pretty cool
Hee – Lisa (@pprlisa)
Ann,
It always amazes me when people that I think are well known think the same insecure things I do. When you DMed me to ask me to go to the BOS tweet up at the “Crab” and again when you stopped me at Gary V, I thought, holy s**t, does Ann actually know who I am?
And I worry every time I send a tweet that noone will answer me!!
Its actually kind of nice to hear you and Chris have these same thoughts – it makes you realize that we all do. But I always think that the internet has helped people with these issues feel more connected to people than they ever could otherwise, and gives everyone kind of second chance for a little popularity that they might not have had before.
And, if it helps, I think you are pretty cool
Hee – Lisa (@pprlisa)
Oh, how easy it is to get pulled into “keeping up with the Joneses”! I am learning not to keep looking so often at all of those stats you mentioned, Ann, and I am feeling better for it.
I am focusing on my readers, and I got a real lift yesterday! About a month ago, I posted on the WOW I get at my bank’s local branch, naming one of the tellers (first name only) and sharing how she is so focused on her customers. I saw her yesterday, and she printed out my blog post and took it to a job interview (with another branch of the same bank), saying “Look – they like my WOW!”
That made my day.
Oh, how easy it is to get pulled into “keeping up with the Joneses”! I am learning not to keep looking so often at all of those stats you mentioned, Ann, and I am feeling better for it.
I am focusing on my readers, and I got a real lift yesterday! About a month ago, I posted on the WOW I get at my bank’s local branch, naming one of the tellers (first name only) and sharing how she is so focused on her customers. I saw her yesterday, and she printed out my blog post and took it to a job interview (with another branch of the same bank), saying “Look – they like my WOW!”
That made my day.
Pretty gratifying to know that most of us recognize a bit of ourselves here… thanks for that. Makes me feel like less of a weirdo, for sure…
And Dave — that Seuss quote is one of my all-time favorites…and yours is pretty cool, too.
Lisa — Shaking my head, and laughing out loud….. yes, both at once. Which is odd, but fitting!
Pretty gratifying to know that most of us recognize a bit of ourselves here… thanks for that. Makes me feel like less of a weirdo, for sure…
And Dave — that Seuss quote is one of my all-time favorites…and yours is pretty cool, too.
Lisa — Shaking my head, and laughing out loud….. yes, both at once. Which is odd, but fitting!
This is very timely for me. I’ve been consciously trying to STOP comparing myself to others. It’s such a huge waste of energy, isn’t it? I have to say though, it’s not just the internet: the concept of keeping up with the Joneses is a much older one.
This is very timely for me. I’ve been consciously trying to STOP comparing myself to others. It’s such a huge waste of energy, isn’t it? I have to say though, it’s not just the internet: the concept of keeping up with the Joneses is a much older one.
I wish I could concern myself with how more or less popular I am than the other bloggers, but I’d have to actually have readers.
I do always wonder, though, how does one person become more popular than others. What is it specifically about this blogger that gains more popularity than another.
Is it more about how much time you invest in your on-line persona or is it more?
I wish I could concern myself with how more or less popular I am than the other bloggers, but I’d have to actually have readers.
I do always wonder, though, how does one person become more popular than others. What is it specifically about this blogger that gains more popularity than another.
Is it more about how much time you invest in your on-line persona or is it more?
the video was highly amusing…and really cut through. thanks for putting it out there.
i have to admit i am not a big internet person, but what i have come to discover is that this cyberspace place might be the worst in terms of creating, and feeding, narcissists. many bloggers lack true humility and while i guess it should be annoying, the whole thing is highly amusing…the situation and my reaction to it as well. i am not above reproach here.
i find bloggers, but not all, are out there name dropping, touting their “expertise”, and regarding themselves as far more important than they potentially really are. of course this comes from someone who does not have a blog and probably would not have a great following if she did…so what do i really know.
the irony is not lost on me…here i am reading and following various blogs. i am drawn to the blogs just as all base level humans are drawn to slow down on the highway and stare with their mouths hanging open at an accident or a driver pulled over getting a ticket. go figure!!
i found michele’s point well made. sometimes in reading and following bloggers i am reminded of high school or, worse, middle school…how is the hierarchy managed?
but i will be back, reading the next post…drawn to the whole thing like a moth to the flame.
the video was highly amusing…and really cut through. thanks for putting it out there.
i have to admit i am not a big internet person, but what i have come to discover is that this cyberspace place might be the worst in terms of creating, and feeding, narcissists. many bloggers lack true humility and while i guess it should be annoying, the whole thing is highly amusing…the situation and my reaction to it as well. i am not above reproach here.
i find bloggers, but not all, are out there name dropping, touting their “expertise”, and regarding themselves as far more important than they potentially really are. of course this comes from someone who does not have a blog and probably would not have a great following if she did…so what do i really know.
the irony is not lost on me…here i am reading and following various blogs. i am drawn to the blogs just as all base level humans are drawn to slow down on the highway and stare with their mouths hanging open at an accident or a driver pulled over getting a ticket. go figure!!
i found michele’s point well made. sometimes in reading and following bloggers i am reminded of high school or, worse, middle school…how is the hierarchy managed?
but i will be back, reading the next post…drawn to the whole thing like a moth to the flame.
Yup, everyone else is better. The race has no end. Wait…what race. Who made the measuring stick?
Let’s seriously break it…now.
This online marketing, promotion, connecting thing can be seriously damn tiring…
paramount is: Peace of mind, real relationships, return (happiness, revenue), and a bit of humor.
Yup, everyone else is better. The race has no end. Wait…what race. Who made the measuring stick?
Let’s seriously break it…now.
This online marketing, promotion, connecting thing can be seriously damn tiring…
paramount is: Peace of mind, real relationships, return (happiness, revenue), and a bit of humor.
When you die, at least according to Buddhist lore, the outside world goes away, and the inside voice is the last to depart.
Thus, the last words you’re likely to hear are your own. Be happy with yourself, because when you reach that point, no one else matters.
When you die, at least according to Buddhist lore, the outside world goes away, and the inside voice is the last to depart.
Thus, the last words you’re likely to hear are your own. Be happy with yourself, because when you reach that point, no one else matters.
Brilliant.
That’s all I have to say because everyone else’s comments were smarter, more eloquent, more insightful and just plain prettier than anything I could have said.
Now I am going to check MySpace and Facebook to see if anyone new has friended me since I last checked 15 minutes ago!
oxox
Brilliant.
That’s all I have to say because everyone else’s comments were smarter, more eloquent, more insightful and just plain prettier than anything I could have said.
Now I am going to check MySpace and Facebook to see if anyone new has friended me since I last checked 15 minutes ago!
oxox
Loved the post Ann and the video was hilarious. I belong to nothing on the internet and your blog is pretty much the only one I read, so I think my hit should have more weight! Do they rank hits? After reading all the comments, I suspect one of the reasons I’m not internet connected is that it would confirm through hard numbers my lack of popularity. Do you ever play the game of “If my life were to be made into a movie, who would play me on the big screen?” I’m guessing Tina Fey (mine would be Miss Piggy).
Loved the post Ann and the video was hilarious. I belong to nothing on the internet and your blog is pretty much the only one I read, so I think my hit should have more weight! Do they rank hits? After reading all the comments, I suspect one of the reasons I’m not internet connected is that it would confirm through hard numbers my lack of popularity. Do you ever play the game of “If my life were to be made into a movie, who would play me on the big screen?” I’m guessing Tina Fey (mine would be Miss Piggy).
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Sometimes I feel like the internet is high school all over again…just that the mean girls are a little bit smarter
Loved this post!
Sometimes I feel like the internet is high school all over again…just that the mean girls are a little bit smarter
Loved this post!
Ann, OK, glad it’s not just me.
Don’t we all feel this way every now and then (usually before we walk into a meeting with a prospective client)? It’s not just measuring up to others — more often it’s measuring up to our internal images of ourselves. I suspect many of us reading/following/sharing here are marketers. We tend to think a lot (cough -to much-cough) about perception and image. The (not so) simple act of standing up to say these things proves they can’t actually defeat you.
Thanks!
ahg3
Ann, OK, glad it’s not just me.
Don’t we all feel this way every now and then (usually before we walk into a meeting with a prospective client)? It’s not just measuring up to others — more often it’s measuring up to our internal images of ourselves. I suspect many of us reading/following/sharing here are marketers. We tend to think a lot (cough -to much-cough) about perception and image. The (not so) simple act of standing up to say these things proves they can’t actually defeat you.
Thanks!
ahg3
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Ann – and just when I am sure that everyone IS smarter, better-looking, taller, cooler, cuter, has newer and shinier objects than I do .. along comes an annarchy post that reminds me to breath. reminds me to laugh. reminds me that in an imperfect world we ALL are perfect. thank you once again.
Ann – and just when I am sure that everyone IS smarter, better-looking, taller, cooler, cuter, has newer and shinier objects than I do .. along comes an annarchy post that reminds me to breath. reminds me to laugh. reminds me that in an imperfect world we ALL are perfect. thank you once again.
So, I keep referring people to this post, Ann as it is a great story about overcoming (or at least sharing) our self doubts with others.
Of course the most impressive people are the bravest … and not many choose to be as honest as you are here
So, I keep referring people to this post, Ann as it is a great story about overcoming (or at least sharing) our self doubts with others.
Of course the most impressive people are the bravest … and not many choose to be as honest as you are here
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This is a hoot, Ann! Thank you for supplying me with the link. I’m always glad to meet another kindred spirit!
This is a hoot, Ann! Thank you for supplying me with the link. I’m always glad to meet another kindred spirit!
After I started “speaking my mind and writing like Ann” – I get a lot more credits for how “good” my blogging is.