My friend and colleague Shelley and I are taking our two girls to a company “junket” we’ll both be attending next month in southern California. (We’re calling the two of them the MarketingProfs “Web 3.0″ team.)
The girls are 9 and 11 and live, respectively, in Texas and Massachusetts. Kinsey (the 9-year-old) and Caroline (age 11) have never met in person. But last week, in anticipation of their trip, they started chatting with each other on Skype, the internet phone and chat software.
Their instant messaging quickly evolved into free Skype-to-Skype calls. This past week, they’ve spent some time jointly playing games at various kiddie sites (like Webkinz, Disney and Club Penguin) and chatting all the while—about the game, but also sharing their favorite subjects at school, talking about their pets, what their moms are making for dinner, and so on. In other words, they’ve been becoming friends.
It’s hard not to witness them at their parallel play and think that were it not for time and distance, they’d be squeezed onto the same chair in my office, head-to-head and pouring over Webkinz décor catalogs.
All this is cute and sort of cool. Skype is still a little known and geeky enough technology that I admit that I get a bit of a charge out of seeing my kid cutting her few remaining baby teeth on it. (She is the only kid in her class with her own Skype account.)
And it’s wonderful to see her connecting with an otherwise stranger—confirming that, deep down, little girls everywhere are still just little girls. Maybe it’s not quite a moment where we’re inspired to link arms and sing the chorus of “We Are the World,” (“We are the future…”) but it’s close, dammit.
The real eye-opener came when Caroline’s friend Lorimod, who lives a few doors down, called on the house phone to ask her to play on Saturday afternoon. Caroline wanted to go, but she was torn. Cradling the phone to her stomach, with the Skype headset still around her neck, she said in stage whisper, “But Mom… I’m playing with Kinsey!”
I’m sure there are several ways you can interpret this scene. I can think of two:
- You might be horrified that an 11-year-old can think of surfing the internet while talking to her friend on a headset as “playing.” Real playing, in your book, might be tossing a basketball back and forth, or role-playing in a pretend game like school or store, or building a fort with sticks outdoors.Before you bemoan the state of the American childhood, or at least that of my own kid, I’ll assure you that Caroline has done those things—in fact, all three of them I pulled from her experiences in the last few weeks. But if I’m honest, I can’t say she’s done any of them with quite the same energy as she’s approached her time online. She and her friends are a generation suckled on the teats of the Digital Age. They find and trade their new web site discoveries like my friends and I traded Garbage Pail Kids cards a generation ago. This week, she’s added three new friends to her fashion boutique at GirlSense.
- You might think it’s cool that the world, according to our kids, is a much bigger place than we ever imagined at their age. “But Mom, I’m playing with Kinsey” is less a quandary than a summation that, in Caroline’s mind, Kinsey is as good a friend, at that moment, as Lorimod, and deserves some loyalty. She didn’t distinguish, as we might, between a virtual friend and a friend in, say, the same time zone.
Contrast Caroline’s perspective with a story I read a year or so ago in the Washington Post, “Social Isolation Growing in U.S., Study Says.” Poynter’s Al Tompkins commented on it when it appeared, saying, “This story says something really sad about the times in which we live.”
According to the study, one-fourth of Americans say they have no one with whom they can discuss personal issues. “That is almost triple the number who said the same thing in 1985. How many people would you say are in your closest circle of confidants? The national average, now, is two,” Al writes.
Adds Lynn Smith-Lovin, a Duke University sociologist who helped conduct the study, “There really is less of a safety net of close friends and confidants.”
“We know these close ties are what people depend on in bad times,” she said. “We’re not saying people are completely isolated. They may have 600 friends on Facebook.com and email 25 people a day, but they are not discussing matters that are personally important.”
Here’s what I wonder, as I watch my own kid navigate the uncharted waters of a new kind of social order: Are social ties really fraying? Or are they just shifting, and reweaving themselves in a different pattern?
We are living in interesting times, in which the very definition of “social circle” is shifting, changing shape and expanding. Our “friends” don’t fit the typical mould, anymore, maybe, but they are friends nevertheless. It feels shortsighted to suggest otherwise.
At least, that’s my take. But what do you think? Is your world a richer place? A lonelier place? Or a combination of the two?
Find more like this: Children, Social Media, Technology , daughters, internet, kids, online intimacy, social networks, Technology
Funny addition to Ann’s story…
Kinsey and Caroline planned to reconnect on Skype this afternoon. When Kinsey’s dad came to pick her up, she got a little distraught about not being here for her “appointment” with Caroline. I had to reassure her that she could log into Skype from her dad’s house, too.
I can honestly say that my life is richer with my own virtual friendships. If I hadn’t spent so much time participating in the MarketingProfs online forum, the Know-How Exchange, I never would have “met” people like Ann and eventually become her friend as well as a colleague.
Also, now that I work from home for a virtual company, I have less time to bump into people face-to-face. If it weren’t for technology, I’d feel like a hermit around here!
Digging all the conversation here, guys… thanks for chiming in. I think what’s interesting is the technology aspect, which makes communication so accessible and immediate for those who are naturally connective… (not like Toad’s boys, though). It’s not an either-or thing… but it’s definitely an expansion of how (and how deeply?) we connect.
Digging all the conversation here, guys… thanks for chiming in. I think what’s interesting is the technology aspect, which makes communication so accessible and immediate for those who are naturally connective… (not like Toad’s boys, though). It’s not an either-or thing… but it’s definitely an expansion of how (and how deeply?) we connect.
I agree that a friend is a friend is a friend. But. It’s a little different if you’ve never met your online friend in person. There’s something about a face-to-face meeting (if only one) that adds a critical dimension to my understanding of a friend. I don’t feel like I have the whole picture until I get some offline interaction.
I agree that a friend is a friend is a friend. But. It’s a little different if you’ve never met your online friend in person. There’s something about a face-to-face meeting (if only one) that adds a critical dimension to my understanding of a friend. I don’t feel like I have the whole picture until I get some offline interaction.
Ann – great post. I think it’s fantastic that you’re allowing your child to connect with friends on the internet safely, by participating with her and understanding the new medium. Most parents don’t take the time to understand what’s going on. Since it’s unknown and “not like when I was a kid,” they label it as abnormal… dangerous…”Here there be dragons…”
I love that you love Henry Jenkins too – and at SXSW he spoke of the trend thats happening called “The Dumbest Generation.” That adults not clear on what’s happening on social networks, are in a “moral panic.” That’s when you stop asking questions and assume you already know the answers.
Jenkins encourages us to have different starting point. Namely to start with the premise that people (and kids) aren’t idiots.
Your daughter knows that Kinsey is a friend and that they’re playing together. It is real to her because, well, they are playing together. And they are friends.
When they meet in person they will already have established the foundation of that friendship. It’s cool that they will meet – because that to me is when online relationships become much more solidified and important. In-person matters a lot…and it makes the relationship far more lasting. But online is also a relationship.
That’s what I love about working with Weeworld – it’s a giant social anthropology experiment. It’s a lot like the real world, but since it’s online it’s an accelerated social petri dish. These things are not going away. We all need to figure them out – kids and parents.
Have fun in California with the girls!
Ann – great post. I think it’s fantastic that you’re allowing your child to connect with friends on the internet safely, by participating with her and understanding the new medium. Most parents don’t take the time to understand what’s going on. Since it’s unknown and “not like when I was a kid,” they label it as abnormal… dangerous…”Here there be dragons…”
I love that you love Henry Jenkins too – and at SXSW he spoke of the trend thats happening called “The Dumbest Generation.” That adults not clear on what’s happening on social networks, are in a “moral panic.” That’s when you stop asking questions and assume you already know the answers.
Jenkins encourages us to have different starting point. Namely to start with the premise that people (and kids) aren’t idiots.
Your daughter knows that Kinsey is a friend and that they’re playing together. It is real to her because, well, they are playing together. And they are friends.
When they meet in person they will already have established the foundation of that friendship. It’s cool that they will meet – because that to me is when online relationships become much more solidified and important. In-person matters a lot…and it makes the relationship far more lasting. But online is also a relationship.
That’s what I love about working with Weeworld – it’s a giant social anthropology experiment. It’s a lot like the real world, but since it’s online it’s an accelerated social petri dish. These things are not going away. We all need to figure them out – kids and parents.
Have fun in California with the girls!
Ann, I passed the URL for this post on to a relative of mine who is a Baby Boomer grandma. She recently mentioned that although she uses a PC for some simple tasks, the whole world of social media feels foreign to her. I know she is smart and enjoys keeping informed through print media. I think you have provided a good overview for when her grandkids start talking to her about their on-line friends.
As for myself, my life is most definitely enriched by my on-line friends.
Ann, I passed the URL for this post on to a relative of mine who is a Baby Boomer grandma. She recently mentioned that although she uses a PC for some simple tasks, the whole world of social media feels foreign to her. I know she is smart and enjoys keeping informed through print media. I think you have provided a good overview for when her grandkids start talking to her about their on-line friends.
As for myself, my life is most definitely enriched by my on-line friends.
Ann, I can’t wait to see your follow-up post on what happens when our girls meet “for real” in two weeks.
One thing that struck me when Caroline and Kinsey were skyping today is that they were indeed playing together, but not actually communicating the whole time. After a few minutes of silence, I would overhear Kinsey asking Caroline, “Are you there?” And then they would talk about what they were doing online on different girl-game websites.
What was also funny was Kinsey’s observation about the skype chat history showing how often the girls tried to communicate with each other when one wasn’t available. “Look, mom! Caroline tried to skype me six times yesterday while I was still asleep!” This changes the rules of Phone Tag, I’m guessing…
Ann, I can’t wait to see your follow-up post on what happens when our girls meet “for real” in two weeks.
One thing that struck me when Caroline and Kinsey were skyping today is that they were indeed playing together, but not actually communicating the whole time. After a few minutes of silence, I would overhear Kinsey asking Caroline, “Are you there?” And then they would talk about what they were doing online on different girl-game websites.
What was also funny was Kinsey’s observation about the skype chat history showing how often the girls tried to communicate with each other when one wasn’t available. “Look, mom! Caroline tried to skype me six times yesterday while I was still asleep!” This changes the rules of Phone Tag, I’m guessing…
True, Shelley, on both counts. I, too, observed the moments of silence when they were playing together, but in parallel play more than social play. Then again, when Caroline’s local friends come over, they sometimes interact loudly, and sometimes don’t. (And when they are on the computer together, well… it’s pretty much like it is with Kinsey!)
It will be interesting to see how they relate in another two weeks, for sure. Definitely a big part of their relationship at this point is anticipating that.
True, Shelley, on both counts. I, too, observed the moments of silence when they were playing together, but in parallel play more than social play. Then again, when Caroline’s local friends come over, they sometimes interact loudly, and sometimes don’t. (And when they are on the computer together, well… it’s pretty much like it is with Kinsey!)
It will be interesting to see how they relate in another two weeks, for sure. Definitely a big part of their relationship at this point is anticipating that.
i have been reading your blog for some time with great interest and respect. you are a very good writer with a definite voice and a very pithy wit. however, here, i think, we diverge in common ground and i find myself feeling a bit nervous about sharing my thoughts…this crowd is THE internet crowd after all. it doesn’t take long to get the whole queen bee thing and the inside comments passed around. some times it can feel like the in kids vs. the outsider.
but i have a good, healthy dose of self confidence, so here goes nothing…
while i understand and respect what the internet has given us, it saddens me as well. i find so much is lost on this generation.
first it was the tv shows to entertain them when they were bored. then it was the internet and the hours you find yourself lost in going from site to site when all you really needed was some info about china. then came email…hours spent obsessively checking, responding and checking and so on. IM entered and well you could have absolute immediate access to your buds and so that became the new obsession. not long after came the social networks, such as myspace and facebook, and now we have walls to write on, messages to check, groups to join, gifts to send, polls to take and share, and friends to accumulate, some of whom you actually do not know from adam.
i know i sound like i have been asleep for 25 years, and i fully expect to be crucified, but no one writes hand written thank you notes or letters anymore; children spend hours on the internet instead of playing board games and learning to negotiate face-to-face, etc. if they are bored they need to BE entertained so they go to the computer or start texting.
it seems no one knows how to be quiet or play outside or read or just be alone any more. instant and immediate access and gratification.
i have every letter my father wrote to me from the time i first went away to camp until the last simple post card he could manage to compose before he died. i also have letters from other family members, godparents, and friends…i can hold these in my hand, re-read them any time i want or need to, and laugh or cry as i recall that time and that relationship. i even have some letters my grandparents wrote to each other back in the 20′s when they were young parents and starting out is the world.
emails, im, and social networking sites cannot give you that. nor can they give you a peek into the lives of those who came before you. everything is so easily erased…gone and forgotten. ihave saved the letters my children’s father wrote to me during our “courtship” and marriage. they are for our children, so they may have a peek into who we were as we got to know each other and how we grew and changed over the years of working and raising a family.
i know you and most of your readers are big internet folk and probably find me rather so yesterday…yet i am a lot like you: in my mid 40′s, college educated, raising children and working. i read a lot, travel, visit museums and attend concerts. i spend time with my family talking, helping out and just being.
i have a love/hate relationship with the internet and modern technology. i work to keep it from taking my children away from the family – have you read the shelter of each other…rebuilding our families? – yet i gave my two oldest each a laptop when they entered high school. my youngest, 5th grade, has just rec’d an email address. she has webkins and access to other tween sites. the older two have cell phones, but not texting, and the youngest will get one in middle school.
of course the internet has brought me many good things…access to you and other very talented writers – the whole blog thing…which at first i found silly and rather self involved, but now i’m hooked! the internet provides us with very quick access to important info…fast plane tix and hotel reservations, easy way to check in with my sister when she is overseas and her cell phone is not working. the list goes on…on both sides of the coin.
it is a blessing and a curse in my mind and i really struggle with it. i have lived for summer each year since my eldest graduated fifth grade and went off to camp…not to get rid of her, but to savor that time when we write each other letters , and so it has been every summer since when one after the other has had their time at camp. my children wrote/write weekly and i near daily to keep in touch, let them know what everyone else is up to, and also so they get letter each day at mail call. then when it is over, i have those tangible reminders to pull out every so often and touch and remember. who knows, maybe they keep them as well and in time will experience what i have through the years.
i have been reading your blog for some time with great interest and respect. you are a very good writer with a definite voice and a very pithy wit. however, here, i think, we diverge in common ground and i find myself feeling a bit nervous about sharing my thoughts…this crowd is THE internet crowd after all. it doesn’t take long to get the whole queen bee thing and the inside comments passed around. some times it can feel like the in kids vs. the outsider.
but i have a good, healthy dose of self confidence, so here goes nothing…
while i understand and respect what the internet has given us, it saddens me as well. i find so much is lost on this generation.
first it was the tv shows to entertain them when they were bored. then it was the internet and the hours you find yourself lost in going from site to site when all you really needed was some info about china. then came email…hours spent obsessively checking, responding and checking and so on. IM entered and well you could have absolute immediate access to your buds and so that became the new obsession. not long after came the social networks, such as myspace and facebook, and now we have walls to write on, messages to check, groups to join, gifts to send, polls to take and share, and friends to accumulate, some of whom you actually do not know from adam.
i know i sound like i have been asleep for 25 years, and i fully expect to be crucified, but no one writes hand written thank you notes or letters anymore; children spend hours on the internet instead of playing board games and learning to negotiate face-to-face, etc. if they are bored they need to BE entertained so they go to the computer or start texting.
it seems no one knows how to be quiet or play outside or read or just be alone any more. instant and immediate access and gratification.
i have every letter my father wrote to me from the time i first went away to camp until the last simple post card he could manage to compose before he died. i also have letters from other family members, godparents, and friends…i can hold these in my hand, re-read them any time i want or need to, and laugh or cry as i recall that time and that relationship. i even have some letters my grandparents wrote to each other back in the 20′s when they were young parents and starting out is the world.
emails, im, and social networking sites cannot give you that. nor can they give you a peek into the lives of those who came before you. everything is so easily erased…gone and forgotten. ihave saved the letters my children’s father wrote to me during our “courtship” and marriage. they are for our children, so they may have a peek into who we were as we got to know each other and how we grew and changed over the years of working and raising a family.
i know you and most of your readers are big internet folk and probably find me rather so yesterday…yet i am a lot like you: in my mid 40′s, college educated, raising children and working. i read a lot, travel, visit museums and attend concerts. i spend time with my family talking, helping out and just being.
i have a love/hate relationship with the internet and modern technology. i work to keep it from taking my children away from the family – have you read the shelter of each other…rebuilding our families? – yet i gave my two oldest each a laptop when they entered high school. my youngest, 5th grade, has just rec’d an email address. she has webkins and access to other tween sites. the older two have cell phones, but not texting, and the youngest will get one in middle school.
of course the internet has brought me many good things…access to you and other very talented writers – the whole blog thing…which at first i found silly and rather self involved, but now i’m hooked! the internet provides us with very quick access to important info…fast plane tix and hotel reservations, easy way to check in with my sister when she is overseas and her cell phone is not working. the list goes on…on both sides of the coin.
it is a blessing and a curse in my mind and i really struggle with it. i have lived for summer each year since my eldest graduated fifth grade and went off to camp…not to get rid of her, but to savor that time when we write each other letters , and so it has been every summer since when one after the other has had their time at camp. my children wrote/write weekly and i near daily to keep in touch, let them know what everyone else is up to, and also so they get letter each day at mail call. then when it is over, i have those tangible reminders to pull out every so often and touch and remember. who knows, maybe they keep them as well and in time will experience what i have through the years.
Pingback: MarketingProfs in Santa Barbara: Show Notes, ‘Ann-otated’
You forgot something: little girls as yours don’t lie on social networking, or at least no more that they would do in real life, because of course they still not distinguish the difference. It’s simpler to make friends when you’re almost sure there is no mask beyond you and you’re virtual acquaintance. But as we grown, we become more subtle and difficult to read, and we understand internet would help up should we wish to conceal some part of our character. That’s why social networking might be enough good for little girls, but isn’t for complex grown up personalities, who still need to see the other person in the face and watch his body language closely to tell if one is telling the truth and is worth being friend with.
That’s my point of view and that’s why I don’t think social networking could possibly replace real relationships.
You forgot something: little girls as yours don’t lie on social networking, or at least no more that they would do in real life, because of course they still not distinguish the difference. It’s simpler to make friends when you’re almost sure there is no mask beyond you and you’re virtual acquaintance. But as we grown, we become more subtle and difficult to read, and we understand internet would help up should we wish to conceal some part of our character. That’s why social networking might be enough good for little girls, but isn’t for complex grown up personalities, who still need to see the other person in the face and watch his body language closely to tell if one is telling the truth and is worth being friend with.
That’s my point of view and that’s why I don’t think social networking could possibly replace real relationships.
We all better get used to it. Social Networking is the future for all of our kids and this is where they will meet alot of friends. And the safety of these social networking is what we have to watch. Myself and my girls love webkinz world. This is where we usually are. And as a Mom, I am there with them.
We all better get used to it. Social Networking is the future for all of our kids and this is where they will meet alot of friends. And the safety of these social networking is what we have to watch. Myself and my girls love webkinz world. This is where we usually are. And as a Mom, I am there with them.
Pingback: This Mommy Gig » Blog Archive » Is It Okay for an 11-Year-Old to Be on Facebook?
thanks for your post