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Alpha Females

Two or three years ago, I found myself on a list of people who take turns cooking in a soup kitchen. And so, every few months, I do.

I can’t say I particularly look forward to it. But to beg off the list at this point would require a phone call to the organizer. I imagine the hypothetical exit interview: “So in what other ways do you help the homeless?” And then I imagine my lame stammer—so, when my number comes up, I again show up at the shelter.

As much as my turn behind the stove never seems to come at a good time, once I’m there, with my hands as two of the several helping to knead 30 pounds of ground beef into 10 meatloaves, it’s not so bad. Actually, it’s pretty gratifying, and it makes me appreciate the basic necessities that I and those around me take for granted. Which is the point, of course.

This month, as always, it was me and retirees: Two older women, whom I’ll call Betty and Wilma, and an older guy, Fred. I was a little rushed getting there—late, typically. And the trio—early, typically—were already in the swing of it when I arrived.

Things seemed to be progressing smoothly. Fred was at the huge can opener, cranking open cans of carrots and powdered potatoes in tins the size of paint cans. Betty was kneading eggs and breadcrumbs and parsley into the meat, with Wilma then shaping the meat mixture into neat loaves.

The two women complimented each other as they worked: Betty noted how perfectly oblong Wilma’s loaves were: “I can never quite get them right, not like Wilma!” Wilma commented on how nicely Betty had chopped the parsley before mixing it into the meat: “No stems! Good thing—because no one likes the stems.”

It all seemed pleasant enough. I joined Betty at the kneading—Damn! That meat was cold!—and, head down, leaned into it.

Meanwhile, the two women kept up the banter: Betty: “Wilma’s an old pro at this!” Wilma: “Betty knows just where to place the rolls and butter!”

After a short while, though, I slowly started to realize that there was something beneath the friendly chatter. The heavy silence between the platitudes started to gnaw at me, and I realized that the tension in the room was so thick you could cut it with a butter knife—which, at a soup kitchen—is flimsy and plastic. What else was going on here? Was there history between these two? Bad blood? What?

It came to a head when someone—no one said who or owned up to it—turned on the oven too early.

Typically, the 20 waiting meatloaves are placed in a cold oven that’s then turned to “bake,” and they cook for 2 hours. The kitchen’s cooking volunteers leave them in the hot oven for the serving volunteers, who arrive an hour or so after we leave and take it from there.

The issue this day, however, was that the oven was already hot—and we (okay, they) had too efficiently finished with the loaves too soon.

Betty [cranking the heavy oven door ajar and feeling the heat]: “Are the ovens on? I don’t think we should turn the ovens on just yet.”

Wilma: “Well, we always turn the ovens on before we leave.”

Betty: “We’re early today, which means it’ll cook for too long.” She looked pointedly at the rest of us, “Don’t you think the meatloaf will be in too long?”

Uh-oh. They were involving us in this debate. I shot a sideways glance at Fred. He seemed to be looking at something incredibly interesting on the ceiling. I smiled weakly, shrugged. I tried to appear nonthreatening.

Wilma: “Well, we always put the meatloaves in, and then turn the ovens on.”

Betty: “Let’s turn it down then.”

Wilma: “To what?”

Betty: “To Warm. Like 200.”

Wilma: “But isn’t that dangerous? I’m worried about bacteria. Won’t bacteria grow and spoil it? People will get sick!”

Betty: “Not if it’s turned up later, when the serving staff comes in, it’ll kill any bacteria.”

Wilma: “I don’t know…”

Clearly, this was a standoff. In this corner, Betty: She of the Warm oven. In the opposite corner, Wilma: Who wanted to turn the ovens on to Full and blast the bacteria before it bloomed.

This time it was Wilma who looked around, searching for an ally. Fred or I could easily side with one or the other and end the volley. But—while I’ve baked plenty of things in my life, even if they weren’t necessarily meatloaves—I froze. And while I’ve made plenty of tough calls in my life, most of them involving bigger issues than 20 loaves of meatloaf, something told me that this wasn’t a tussle to be in the middle of. In part, I wanted to avoid an uncomfortable conflict. But more to the point, after a stressful hour, I just wanted to leave.

In the end, I did end it. Sort of. I said, quickly, “Let me see if I can find someone!”

Then I took the stairs two at a time up to the administrative office, willing the presence of a sympathetic mediator who could end this stalemate and allow me to get back to my office. Thankfully, I found her—and the assistant director came down to take the matter into her own hands. I’m pretty sure I heard an audible sigh of relief across the room. That would be Fred.

Later on, I thought about how Wilma and Betty reminded me a bit of my black Lab mix, Maisy, who is the alpha female of my four dogs. Alpha, of course, is the first letter in the Greek alphabet, and in dog-speak it refers to the dominant dog to which other members of the pack are submissive; the others are beta dogs.

In our house, as alpha, Maisy rules with an iron paw. She gets fed first, she gets the best spot on the couch, and she occasionally metes out a growl to keep the others in line. But occasionally she goes a little overboard—she snarls with a little too much intent. This happens when she feels insecure or threatened in some way—and with Maisy, it can be hard to predict: Maybe there’s too much chaos in the house, maybe another dog is getting too much sugar from me, or maybe she’s threatened by another visiting female and feels unclear about just who is Top Dog.

Which brings me back to Betty and Wilma. Two women working side by side in a kitchen seems straightforward enough on the surface. But not for two strong alpha women who, over their 50-odd years of mixing, shaping and cooking their own meals, have built up some pretty strong ideas of what to do in a kitchen and how to do it.

I thought of the dog trainer’s motto: “It’s never the animal’s fault.” The problem wasn’t the women, who, truth be told, are very nice people. Rather, the problem was that there was no clear alpha. No one had been anointed Top Dog, and, much as they wanted to, the two were far too polite to overtly pull rank. That would have involved some snarling, growling and threatening body language.

People who volunteer in soup kitchens just aren’t prone to that sort of behavior.

Nor can they entirely control their innate tendencies, however.

Some behaviors are too entrenched and too instinctive; you can’t train them away. You can’t stop a badger from digging.

And you can’t get in the way of an alpha female. Or in this case, two.

Total Annarchy

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49 Responses to Alpha Females

  1. Aaron Strout says:

    Ann – I love this story. It has a nice rhythm to it and is strangely relaxing as I sit here at the SF airport waiting to get on my plane. I look forward to reading more of your expert prose. btw, your daughter looks exactly like you!

  2. Aaron Strout says:

    Ann – I love this story. It has a nice rhythm to it and is strangely relaxing as I sit here at the SF airport waiting to get on my plane. I look forward to reading more of your expert prose. btw, your daughter looks exactly like you!

  3. rslux says:

    The dynamics of managing and working with volunteers can be very touchy. People are there by choice, of their own free will, and are not being compensated for the work, so a lot of the “normal” power and dominance issues get sublimated.

    That doesn’t remove the need for things like someone making decisions, though.

  4. rslux says:

    The dynamics of managing and working with volunteers can be very touchy. People are there by choice, of their own free will, and are not being compensated for the work, so a lot of the “normal” power and dominance issues get sublimated.

    That doesn’t remove the need for things like someone making decisions, though.

  5. Gavin Heaton says:

    In Australia there is a group called the Country Women’s Association. They do a lot of charity work in small towns, and in many places they hold the town together. However, when they get together for the annual festival and baking competition — it can be fierce. Here are strong, independent and hearty women demonstrating their hard won mastery of often “forgotten” skills.

    It may be tough when they are all together in one place, but when you need support, they are the ones you want in your corner.

  6. Gavin Heaton says:

    In Australia there is a group called the Country Women’s Association. They do a lot of charity work in small towns, and in many places they hold the town together. However, when they get together for the annual festival and baking competition — it can be fierce. Here are strong, independent and hearty women demonstrating their hard won mastery of often “forgotten” skills.

    It may be tough when they are all together in one place, but when you need support, they are the ones you want in your corner.

  7. Dusan says:

    I can actually see the situation. You could make a movie based on this. :-) Anyway, from my experience, it’s really the best to actually start asking a lot of questions at that time. Like “do you think it will really be filled with bacteria? Do you know of any way to keep it warm yet avoid …?”…

    Ah, we humans. Too complicated. :-)

  8. Dusan says:

    I can actually see the situation. You could make a movie based on this. :-) Anyway, from my experience, it’s really the best to actually start asking a lot of questions at that time. Like “do you think it will really be filled with bacteria? Do you know of any way to keep it warm yet avoid …?”…

    Ah, we humans. Too complicated. :-)

  9. Ami Chitwood says:

    An interesting story – I volunteer at The Boston Living Center in the kitchen and usually wash the dishes (with this really cool automatic washer) – the dynamics of the volunteers, regular staff, and clients is always interesting – especially over proper procedure for putting dishes in the trays, how many times you put the trays through, whether you dry or not, etc….

    you’ve definately captured components of this complex relationship. Love the name of your blog, too.

  10. Ami Chitwood says:

    An interesting story – I volunteer at The Boston Living Center in the kitchen and usually wash the dishes (with this really cool automatic washer) – the dynamics of the volunteers, regular staff, and clients is always interesting – especially over proper procedure for putting dishes in the trays, how many times you put the trays through, whether you dry or not, etc….

    you’ve definately captured components of this complex relationship. Love the name of your blog, too.

  11. Great article as always Ann, I like the link from the badger quote too “you can’t stop a badger from digging”…certainl y is a good reminder to let ourselves and others be what they are, dogs or people:).

    http://jkpstrange. blogspot. com/2006/ 06/eros-et- orca.html

  12. Great article as always Ann, I like the link from the badger quote too “you can’t stop a badger from digging”…certainl y is a good reminder to let ourselves and others be what they are, dogs or people:).

    http://jkpstrange. blogspot. com/2006/ 06/eros-et- orca.html

  13. Cam Beck says:

    Ann, you are a wonderful storyteller. I know you have been at this whole “writing thing” for awhile, but what’s scary is that you haven’t even hit your stride yet.

  14. Cam Beck says:

    Ann, you are a wonderful storyteller. I know you have been at this whole “writing thing” for awhile, but what’s scary is that you haven’t even hit your stride yet.

  15. Mack Collier says:

    “I shot a sideways glance at Fred. He seemed to be looking at something incredibly interesting on the ceiling.”

    LOL! Fred no doubt bought himself a 32-inch HDTV for the Super Bowl on the way home as a reward.

  16. Mack Collier says:

    “I shot a sideways glance at Fred. He seemed to be looking at something incredibly interesting on the ceiling.”

    LOL! Fred no doubt bought himself a 32-inch HDTV for the Super Bowl on the way home as a reward.

  17. Ann Handley says:

    Hi Aaron — Thanks & glad this story gave you a respite from the SF airport! BTW — the photo is me, not my daughter, circa 1966.

    rslux – Great observation. You are right — “a lot of the ‘normal’ power and dominance issues get sublimated” in that situation. Spot on.

    Gavin — Very true. These women were fundamentally strong and wonderful people — but the dynamic was something else entirely.

  18. Ann Handley says:

    Hi Aaron — Thanks & glad this story gave you a respite from the SF airport! BTW — the photo is me, not my daughter, circa 1966.

    rslux – Great observation. You are right — “a lot of the ‘normal’ power and dominance issues get sublimated” in that situation. Spot on.

    Gavin — Very true. These women were fundamentally strong and wonderful people — but the dynamic was something else entirely.

  19. Ann Handley says:

    Dusan — I might use that advice next time….

    Ami — Thanks.. and sounds like you’ve been there, too.

    Carolyn — I thought you’d like that quote!

    Cam — Thanks so much…really appreciate it. And Mack — LOL… probably, poor dude.

  20. Ann Handley says:

    Dusan — I might use that advice next time….

    Ami — Thanks.. and sounds like you’ve been there, too.

    Carolyn — I thought you’d like that quote!

    Cam — Thanks so much…really appreciate it. And Mack — LOL… probably, poor dude.

  21. Bethann says:

    Alpha females…. I know a lot about them.
    My own example…. “Who makes the best datenut bread?” A discussion I never entered into. Ann, you know what I mean!

  22. Bethann says:

    Alpha females…. I know a lot about them.
    My own example…. “Who makes the best datenut bread?” A discussion I never entered into. Ann, you know what I mean!

  23. Ann Handley says:

    Bethann — Yes! I do.. LOL!

  24. Ann Handley says:

    Bethann — Yes! I do.. LOL!

  25. David Reich says:

    Ann, since your first post, I’ve been checking your blog twice a day to see if there’s a new post. Finally, here it is… and it was worth the wait.
    Thanks.

  26. David Reich says:

    Ann, since your first post, I’ve been checking your blog twice a day to see if there’s a new post. Finally, here it is… and it was worth the wait.
    Thanks.

  27. Beccy says:

    Great piece Ann. keep it up. I love seeing how all the volunteer alpha females wrestle with this struggle for power while volunteering for church functions…let and let God…oh so hard to do…

  28. Beccy says:

    Great piece Ann. keep it up. I love seeing how all the volunteer alpha females wrestle with this struggle for power while volunteering for church functions…let and let God…oh so hard to do…

  29. Christian Gulliksen says:

    Fred, Wilma, Betty…which makes you…Barney? I think Handley has a new nickname.

  30. Christian Gulliksen says:

    Fred, Wilma, Betty…which makes you…Barney? I think Handley has a new nickname.

  31. Bdot says:

    Don’t forget Dino

  32. Bdot says:

    Don’t forget Dino

  33. Romi says:

    You are an incredible writer.

    Never have I read through line after line with such suspense wondering if two soup kitchen ladies were going to throw down right there in the kitchen and fight to the death….I think you could write about paint drying and make it sound exciting, haha…good stuff :-)

  34. Romi says:

    You are an incredible writer.

    Never have I read through line after line with such suspense wondering if two soup kitchen ladies were going to throw down right there in the kitchen and fight to the death….I think you could write about paint drying and make it sound exciting, haha…good stuff :-)

  35. Shelley says:

    Hope this is just a warm-up exercise for your first novel, Annster… I, for one (of many!), will keep reading.

  36. Shelley says:

    Hope this is just a warm-up exercise for your first novel, Annster… I, for one (of many!), will keep reading.

  37. B.L Ochman says:

    I’m with Shelley – you’re on your way to a novel or at least a collection of short stories that’ll unite your online and offline audience.

    one of these days, pls tell us something about how the Internet is involved in your life, or how it has changed it.

  38. B.L Ochman says:

    I’m with Shelley – you’re on your way to a novel or at least a collection of short stories that’ll unite your online and offline audience.

    one of these days, pls tell us something about how the Internet is involved in your life, or how it has changed it.

  39. Ann Handley says:

    Thanks all… it scares me a little to think beyond this blog at the moment, but I so appreciate the vote of confidence.

    And BL: no worries! I’ll get to it!

  40. Ann Handley says:

    Thanks all… it scares me a little to think beyond this blog at the moment, but I so appreciate the vote of confidence.

    And BL: no worries! I’ll get to it!

  41. Lynn McLoughlin says:

    Loved reading your unique humor, I was able to visualize and hear you in that kitchen! I think your linking human life to canine life is the way to go…don’t forget to add the dog’s commentary!
    So proud of you! You go girl!
    Love
    Lynn

  42. Lynn McLoughlin says:

    Loved reading your unique humor, I was able to visualize and hear you in that kitchen! I think your linking human life to canine life is the way to go…don’t forget to add the dog’s commentary!
    So proud of you! You go girl!
    Love
    Lynn

  43. Jeanine Delay says:

    Great story. Couldn’t wait to see how it would turn out. So glad you’ve got this blog going and I agree with the others about the book. No pressure, of course! Not that I’ve been waiting 20 years or anything….GiGi

  44. Jeanine Delay says:

    Great story. Couldn’t wait to see how it would turn out. So glad you’ve got this blog going and I agree with the others about the book. No pressure, of course! Not that I’ve been waiting 20 years or anything….GiGi

  45. Anne Rendle says:

    Ann,
    Thanks for that story! I’ve seen this situation pretty often but never could figure out exactly what was going on — there was a big “aha” for me! Great blog!!!!
    Anne Rendle

  46. Anne Rendle says:

    Ann,
    Thanks for that story! I’ve seen this situation pretty often but never could figure out exactly what was going on — there was a big “aha” for me! Great blog!!!!
    Anne Rendle

  47. Cass says:

    Hi Ann! I just happened upon this post by chance today, and had to laugh out loud. I AM Betty and Wilma… oh dear.

    Ask anyone who has ever volunteered with me; I need to run things, or gosh darn it, things just don’t get run RIGHT.

    Or, ask my kids.

    Yikes.
    Cass

  48. Cass says:

    Hi Ann! I just happened upon this post by chance today, and had to laugh out loud. I AM Betty and Wilma… oh dear.

    Ask anyone who has ever volunteered with me; I need to run things, or gosh darn it, things just don’t get run RIGHT.

    Or, ask my kids.

    Yikes.
    Cass

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